This Isn't How It's Suppose To Be... [entries|friends|calendar] Matthew [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[20 May 2004|09:01pm] -late arrival at school -no english -sleep in math -nothing in chemistry -cooked in votech -spent good nice time with kim -slept a litte -ate dinner -lifted some weights -being sad 1 - hey vanity

[19 May 2004|12:14am] let's think for a second who we really are.. just why we're here what we're dying for. hey vanity

and what's the worse to take, to every heart you break.. [17 May 2004|09:54pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | 1. my chemical romance- helena ] well i guess it's time for an actual update today was pretty nice. did the school thing and had an assessment ecr in english and i found it pretty simple. slept through math and did nothing in chemistry except prepare for the assessment we have to take tomorrow. didn't do anything in votech because the teacher wasn't there so we just bullshitted the whole time. kim didn't feel good throughout the day, so i felt really bad :(. anyways, after school, we took jessica ramos home and then came back to my house and we took a long nap which was wonderful. we woke up and she said she felt dizzy so i was worried again, but later she ate and all that and now she says she feels great..wonderful..i like her feeling good, it makes me feel good..i tried my best to take care of her today..dr. matt at his best go me. anyways gary just left, we played wresteling and stuff it was fun. he showed me his stomach out of no where, it was interesting well i dont want to write anymore. xoxo. goodnight. 1 - hey vanity

[16 May 2004|09:10pm] I dont know what's gotten into me but read if you want.. Does it feel the same as it did last night, is the picture frame still on your headboard in the same position you left it before you fell asleep to the sounds of childern playing in the streets to the melody of their relentlessly beating hearts. Does it feel as good as it did two years ago to the day, the way he made you feel as you layed next to him in his shaking bed, made possible in the most rightful way. It seems as though you're not quite sure anymore, the markup he gave you on your stomach settles your head tonight. Does it still hurt when you smell the smell of coffee at 2 a.m. in the morning, remember how you've had it made ages zero through thirty-two. You've had it so easy thus far, so why stop while you're ahead? You're awakened by the sound of three simultanious knocks on your front door, each one after the first getting louder than that previous to it. You slip on your fuzzy pink slippers and throw on one of your infamous "Im too good for anyone like you" night gowns and walk slowly to the door, just so the little man in the business suite on the other side can have enough time to count how much money he's got left in all thirty four thousand shares of Waccovia International after buying his cheating wife that Porsche she's always wanted. You greet him with the most upmost respect, living vicarriously through eachother, and remembering that two wrongs make a right. He tells you he's not there for any small talk, may he come in to discuss a few things. "Take a seat"-well, let's just call you Misses J. for more CONFIDENTIAL reasons. You know why I'm here, where I stand, and what I do for a living-correct? "Yes". The whole Waccovia idea is now thrown out, and the business atire is just an elaborate coverup so no one finds out that he's the kind of man you don't want to run into on the streets. "After reviewing your printout on what you want to be carried out, I have come to the conclusion that this routine-will not be so routine. You see..Misses J, my office usually carrys out cases that don't require much work-but again, after reviewing your case, we've come to a conclusion that much work needs to be done" Again, you realize gullable isnt in the dictionary and that aside from getting coffee at 2 a.m. in the morning for your entire life, you've always been played for a fool. Remember that time in second grade, on the playground, where little Timmy F. hoaxed you into giving him all of your lunch money in return for a mechanical pencil that didn't even take the right size led so you could take the test in Spelling-of course you do. Anyways-"Misses J. your price for the proper, let's call it "removal" of the one thing you call LOVE in your life will be approxamently YOUR HEART, YOUR SOUL and YOUR LIFE. "DEAL"! without hesitation "Then please sign on the dotted line- here, here, here and here" DONE! "I will see you tomorrow afternoon, four o' clock on the dot, please have lunch ready, good day ma'am" Morning comes and you realize you've over slept, and it's already 3:53 in the afternoon, so you take your 2 1/2 minute ice cold shower and run naked to the kitchen to put to coffee on the coffee maker. KNOCK KNOCK, it's 3:59 he's a minute early, fashiobaly late, i think not, you know he means business. You run to your room and see the stop watch sitting on your night stand with the UP TO THE MILLI-SECOND time displayed on it. It's 3:59:53..you better get to the front door, before he has your ass. You get there just in time, open the door, but discover that it's not who you thought it would be. "Hello Misses J. I'm Detective I'm Way Overpayed for the Type of Work I Do-may I come in?" He take a seat in your China Room, where you never let anyone sit-pissed, you willingly take a seat next to him. Considering all options, his first few words are "We Have Reason to Believe", after that, you find yourself pretty fucked there after. Considering all possiblities, you listen on. "Ma'am, we have reason to believe that you were visited by Mister B. (for confidential reasons no full last name will be disclosed) yesterday, and may have had an extensive conversation with him, is this accurate" "Why yes sir it is, is there a problem" "Ma'am, Mister B. was found murdered on the road leading up to your husbands place of work-you know, on that road that bares the "YOU ARE THE FUTURE" signs as well as the 124' x 210' awkwardly sized billboards advertising the overpopulation in local schools-" "Oh no, this can't be-But I..I" "Don't say anything Misses J. we're not suspecting you in the murder of Mister B, we're just trying to get some answers, answers we're not able to get from him today" "Yes I understand" The Detective asks for a cup of coffee..with fourteen table spoons of sugar, so you then know that this conversation will be a long one-"Ma'am, you know what Mister B. did for a living, don't you"? "Well yes-yes I suppose, he was a very successful stock broker for the NYSE-correct" "No ma'am, we have reason to believe that Mister B. was part of a traveling circus, where they use humans as animals". "Excuse me detective"? "Yes ma'am, we've been following this sick show for a few months now-they go from state to state recruting new MEMBERS for their acts" "Oh my god"..although this expression is way over used (I.E. on the internet and now in everyday conversations, ew sick), it is still very much appropriate for this situation. The detective hands you a packet filled with photographs of you naked scrubbing your kitchen floor with the wrong kind of Lysol, and washing your colored clothes with ultra strength bleech. "What is this, what is this!", "Ma'am these were recovered in Mister B's car" "This isn't me, it cant be" you see, although you know it is you, denial has always been your best quality, and you will continue to use it to your advantage. "Are you sure Misses J"? "Yes I'm sure! I think I would reccognize my own ass!" The detective asks you once more is the person in the photographs you, you refuse again. "If it is not you, there are no more questions to be asked-have a good day Misses J" "You too". You close the door behind him and go to your bed and bury your head down in between your two K-Mart brand pillows, purchased just two weeks the local store shut down. "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING"..but what can't be happening? You didn't admit to the pictures being of you, so why are you worrying? What did those pictures mean? The next morning you arrive at work and talk with your Co-Worker Janice Willison (considering she's rightfully known around the city as a promanent whore, there is no problem disclosing her full name). You mention to her that you were visited the previous morning by the Detective, and she outbursts with the fact that she's seen every square inch of his house personaly (of course by selling her female parts for sixty four dollars an hour). Janice mentions that one morning, after a long night of-well-adultry, she had to give him his Insulin because he has having a diabetic seizure, causing him to almost bite his tounge off, as well as hers which was still inbedded in the roof of his mouth. Now you're really confused- "He asked me for fourteen table spoons of sugar in his cup of coffee-" Janice replys with the fact that the Detective likes to have a bit of a rush in his life, besides the fact that he buys pussy for sixty four dollars an hour, and cheats on his wife while she's in Guatamalla on a missonary trip for the local church that they both attend. You walk out of the room shaking your head-digging into your mile deep pockets, searching for answers on just what the hell is going on in your life. Two days ago you were falling asleep to childern playing in the streets, and mesmarizing over the 2 inch bruises your husband leaves on your stomach each night for you to wake up to in the morning. Yes, it's true-you two are the only couple in the whole tri-state area that still has the best sex after being married for 15 years. 18 seems like a young age to be married, but when you're given a thirty nine karat diamond ring, who can resist? You hear your name over the loud speaker- you see, you work in a factory that mass produces plastic cups and wax candles for birthday parties. "Miss ______ J, please come to the my office" "What now", you think to yourself. After passing the half empty-or half full water machine and the ice cooler which sits by Mister D's desk, you arrive at your bosses office. Your boss is a 5'4 325 pound black man who aside from managing and operating the factory you work in, is also an up and comming photographer for the citys news paper "The Sun". "Yes".."Misses J, do you have any idea why I called you to my office this morning" you look at the clock and see that it's one o' clock in the afternoon..not wanting to back talk your boss, you answer according to his question "No sir-" "Well Misses J., I recieved a fax this morning-a long fax at that, which contains rather explicit photographs of YOU washing your kitchen floor in the nude, as well as doing your laundry". "No sir, that can't be". "Please, take a seat, and remember, only speak when you are spoken to". "Yes sir", by this time you realize that he holds in his hand the one thing that can either make or break you. You see, you and your boss Mister Fredrick Garrison have not always seen eye to eye. You use to manager and operate the factory, until you started hoarding plastic cups and candles for your own personal use, you were caught, and downgraded to wick insertor, the lowest of the low, since then, you and him have always been in compition, you, trying to get back to the "top", and him trying to stay well stable at the top. "Misses J, you realize that I could fuck your entire life up right in front of your eyes, and there isn't a god damn thing you can do about it", "Sir what are you trying to say"? "Don't play stupid with me! These pictures, this fax, how everyone in the tri-state area would LOVE to get a hold of these-all the pervert fucks, all the sadistic men and women would love to fall asleep at night with you in their grasps and their vasoline tube at their side, you make me sick!" "What are you trying to say Mister Garrison!" "What I'm trying to say is you either resign from your position never to return to this company again, and I will destroy the photo's, or you can choose to stay, and I will publish these pictures in my section of the news paper" you contemplate .. you've got no kids, and your husband is wealthy enough to buy you a thirty nine karat diamond ring, why do you even need the job? "Well Mister Garrison, I quit-" "I'm glad to hear that Misses J". He hands you the photographs and starts the gas fire over by his windowside desk. You place the pictures in the fire, and walk out of his room, never to see his face again. You tell all your co-workers that an unfortunate circumstance has cause you do quit your job. They all look so very dissapointed, but you did what you had to do. You walk out the side door, and close it behind you, never to see the inside of the establishment again. That night at home, while you're cooking dinner, you recieve a phone call from Janice-you know, the "nice" lady from your-well, ex job. You pick up the reciever and hear crying at the other end "Hello-Hello, Janice?!", no one answers and you hear a click. She hung up the phone. You call back a minute later, no one picks up. Worried and confused, you drive to her house down the block to see what her problem was. You arrive at her house, and see a Mercedes parked out front. The german plates look very similar to your husbands plates. You approach the car and look at the interior-just as you thought, it's custom..the vinyl stitching catches your eyes, as well as his wallet laying on the front seat. You wonder what is going on. You slowly walk to Janices front door, and don't even bother to knock. You walk in and you see Janice bent over the left arm rest of her couch and your husband behind her pounding her brains out. They both look at you, but they don't bother to stop. "What the fuck is going on here?" They both continue, and Janice trys to spit out an excuse "It..I..Ittt..Ittt juusstt happenneeneedd" You look at your husband, working up a sweat, he also trys to give you some words "Cooommmeememee onn babbyy, jooinnn the funnn" "What the fuck!" you exclaim again. They continue, neverminding the fact that you're standing in the doorway watching their every move. It's like something out of a dance video..the coordination is so good, it seems like it's scripted, but nevermind that. Pissed, you search the house for something to bludegon them both with, not giving a shit if they die or not. To no avail, you find nothing and return to the living room where they are still well at it. Again you exclaim "What the fuck!", but again they show no remorse, they just keep going and going like a posessed enegizer bunny. You notice your husbands work atire sitting on the chair next to the bay view window. You grab his clothes, and exit Janices house, thinking "what the hell is going on here, what's wrong with my life" You jump into your car and search for your keys but can't find them, you get out and notice that you've dropped them by Janices front door and they've fallen almost completly underneath the porch. You notice that there is a semi-storage area underneath the porch, and in the area there is a canister of gassoline, rightfully so, because of the grill ontop of her porch. A sick thought comes to mind. "Burn the fuckers". You douze your husbands clothes in gassoline and set it right by the front door, and pour the remaining gas all over the front porch, covering the brim of the windows and all. You remember that Janice has two kids, ages 10 and 14, but then remember that they are camping with their father in the cold secluded mountains of upper New York. The little home made wooden bench out in front of Janices house catches your eye. It's pink and blue with little hearts on it, it brings a tear to your eye, knowing that it, as well as the maker will be destroyed. You run to you car and grab a booklet of matches and light the pack afire. You throw it on the porch, and it goes up in flames. Running to your car you trip and dislocate your ankle, laying their helplessly you scream and scream, in the most excrutiating pain you've ever felt in your life. Three or four cars drive by, before one stops. Unfortunatly for you, it's the same detective who stopped at your house three days ago-you remember correcty- Detective I'm Way Overpayed for the Type of Work I Do. He calls for an ambulance over his short wave radio, and they call for the police department as well as the fire department. The police and ambulance arrive shortly after the call was placed. A perimedic scoops you up and places you on a stretcher and loads you into the ambulance more to come. hey vanity

yesterday and the night following.. [16 May 2004|10:42am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | 1. dresden dolls- girl anachronism ] yesterday was eventful. kim came over around 1 and gary then followed after. mike j. got here around 3 and we decided what we wanted to do so we went to panera and i got my usual, plus a salad that i'll never get again because it was disgusting. after there we went to borders, and people don't know how to drive. i wanted to get a book but they didn't have it so we went to the mall so i could pick it up. again, people in waldorf don't know how to drive, and to notice the fact that when someone wants to pull into a parking spot, they usualy put on their blinker, or do not steal the other persons spot..stupid people. anyways, after i got what i needed we went to baskin robbins because i wanted ice cream because im just..yeah. hungry for it i guess. after that we went to mbp and watched bands. i enjoyed yimwu they were wonderful. southern paws was great beside the fact that chris dates a 15 year old girl..she probably told him she was 19..yeah okay. after them in clover played, i didn't watch much of them because i was playing pool with mike, but i heard them and they sounded good. when they were almost over, kim took gary myself and mike back to my house. gary went home and i fell asleep so did mike. now im updating in the morning and my day hasn't even started yet. but im still tired so im going to go back to sleep. good-day. hey vanity

[15 May 2004|01:01pm] yesterday was awesome im not oooooooooooooooookay hey vanity

for the first time, just like the last time.. [13 May 2004|09:49pm] [ mood | hot ] [ music | 7. funeral for a friend- moments forever faded ] dun, dun, dun. today was school, sorry it's nothing special. english had a test and got back an essay i had to do, i was quite dissapointed in my grade, oh well extra credit loves me enough to make up for that. i slept through math like i always do becuase it's just pointless to even try in that class anymore. chemistry was stupid, but cool because i "had my homework and book" and im doing really good in that class this quarter. went to votech and that was cool because those two girls are no longer there and the class is much better. my teacher loves me in that class now it's cool. i got 100's on both things i served her today, and gary and kim both thought they were delictable so i was proud. after school i went home and gary came over. kim came back over and we all went places like cool people. went to the mall and got new shoes, and then to rugged warehouse and got some pimp express jeans. it's so hot, and if it's going to be like this all summer, im glad because i sweat off more then i even weigh. kim and gary and myself got a slurpee and came back here and me and kim wrestled while gary watched rent. kim kept trying to touch my ass but i wouldn't let her :). kim had to go home, so gary and i just hung out for a while and watched rent, im getting into it, it's not bad. i'd be a drummer and get 1500 a week minimum how about that. anyways it's hot and with each letter i press on my keyboard, i can feel the sweat drip down my fingertips and into the crease between each key. goodbye. xoxo hey vanity

my day has been ruined..... [13 May 2004|03:51pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | my sobbing ] my day has been ruined by seeing coheed and cambria on mtv..:( 3 - hey vanity

i wanted you for nothing more then hating you for what you were.. [12 May 2004|10:06pm] [ mood | geeky ] [ music | 1. taking back sunday- bonus mosh pt. 2 ] well i like half days, today being one of them. i didn't have to do anything in school..because i wasn't in my home school, i went straight to votech and did nothing there either but sit around and watch people have "fun". anyways, got back to school and ate lunch with kimberly and lindsay and christian. christian shared a half of his peanut butter sandwhich with me. thank you. as well as a capri-sun. after that lunch was over i went to the library where i was called a "skater" and a "goth"..geese guys, these lables are getting out of control. it amuses me. anyways i went to the last lunch and talked to jenny about where she went for prom dinner, and how she use to work at gustavos when it first opened and she told me about how dirty they are there, and how the cooks in the back are all perverts and such. oh well. it was good, i liked my mice feces. after school, kim and i went to her house and looked at the dell catalog with her mom so she could pick out the laptop she wants, and her mom was all nice about it so it looks like she's getting one soon so that should be cool. we came back to waldorf after stoping at the cvs for my soy crisps, i love those. we went to garys and i fell asleep on his couch, missing the vegan chef on food network..damn it i love that channel. anyways, after that we drove over to my house where we just sat around and gary watched rent and all this good stuff and we discovered the next big thing (http://www.purevolume.com/rie), scope that shit. gary left and kim and i just spent some time together and it was nice. she left and gary came back over and we watched rent together and looked up distances from place to place, we're losers. i don't want to write anymore. my belly button hurts really bad, i dont know why, i put vassaline on it. this summer is going to be fun. woot. 7 - hey vanity

drag my courpse to the citys.. [11 May 2004|09:25pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | 1. boys night out- i got punched in the nose ] Oh love- How could I forget? The smell, the taste, the lipstick covered cigarette Laying in your ashtray She walks with style, she walks with everything With grace She dreams of picket fences and parking lot nights She dreams that everything is gonna' be okay Someday But you- You carry happiness in envelopes And you're busy writing business cards For holidays that you don't know With your- White laced satin on your golden sheets I'm floor impared and now drawn to the dagger The floor is where I beg for one more Chance is where I put all my hopes at before And you're- You're murdering your american dream The quiet, the cold, the nightmare and your screams Filter through the trees, behind the bricks, into the sea And now you're homesick Throw your stars back to the wonderful night Oh baby tonight we'll do something right But you- You carry happiness in envelopes And you're busy writing business cards For holidays that you don't know With your- White laced satin on your golden sheets I'm floor impared and now drawn to the dagger The floor is where I beg for one more Chance is where I put all my hopes at before And I can tell you That you're everything you're cracked up to be A lonesome lover on the verge of everything you hate And I know you'll be fine So tomorrow write and tell me how it feels To be the one who never cared About anything you said you cared about And I'll believe- Anything that you tell me to hey vanity

without a sound i dragged her down.. [11 May 2004|03:30pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | 4. mcr-drowning lessons ] like drugs are totally cool or not, stupid people. today was school and theres nothing that special about that. i sleep more than i ever have in school and i like it. theres nothing left to do for the rest of the year, if i could, and if i didnt miss so many days this year i would just say the hell with it and not go anymore this year except to take my finals. anyways, i had to make up an english assignment and that's all the productive work i did today. we had a substitute in votech who is a child molseter, he's gay. the nurse talked to our class about poison ivy, but all everyone was worried about were the free condoms and deoderant. it makes sense..they gave us condoms and deoderant in 5th grade, but they don't do it in 11th, pretty weird. anyways two stupid girls most likely expelled today because they find it fun and cool to snort ridalin..they are gay and it's pretty humorous that they were caught..stupid asses. it's hot outside, and i want to do something. where are the cicadas any one know? i ate a lot today. im disappointed, now i've got to excersise or whatever i do when i feel fat? tomorrow is a half day..woot woot..i heart it. bye. ( Oh and by the way ) hey vanity

three sleepless nights.. [10 May 2004|10:50pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | 4. emery-by all accounts ] i don't really have a point for creating a new journal. chances are it won't even be updated that much, but what the hell. this past weekend was prom, and it was very enjoyable, i had a wonderful time. i arrived at kim's house and rang her doorbell and she came to the door and she was absolutley beautiful. it was like something out of a movie or something..you know what i'm talking about. anyways, we took pictures and all that glam, and we sat around and waited for the limo. our driver was some jamacian lady with the ass the size of mexico, she was nice though..i think..she didn't talk a lot, but it was still nice. the limo was partially ghetto, but what do you expect from beltsville (sorry to those of you who live or are from there). we arrived at cates house next and took group pictures and all that nice stuff. people mentioned that kim and myself should be abercrombi and fitch models, i was amused, although we were very attractive ;-). we went to dinner at gustavos and it was really nice. i drank 5 glasses of iced tea, it was good. i got rat terds (gnoochi) it was good. we left there and went to prom. it was nicely set up i was pretty impressed. walked around said hey to people and all that nice stuff. i did the cha cha slide 1 1/2 times..im the best dancer out there..beware..andy won 25 dollars from the mall because his ticket was called. christian was there. he looked pimp. he broke my boutineer (spelling), but he fixed it which was nice of him. i danced my first slow dance. i liked it because it was with kim. around 10:50 we left and we were suppose to have the limo for 2 more hours but we ended up driving around for an hour i think, and didn't do anything. the driver drove 10 mph was was annoying. we went back to cates house and we all figured out what we wanted to do. john andy and cate went somewhere..they took lindsey back to her house because she was going to have a party. kenny nichole myself and kim went to nicholes house so she could change. then we went to my house so i could change, then to kims so she could do the same. thank you kenny. even though i had to pay him for gas? i dont know, oh well. we went to lindsays and there were a few cool people there. gunther doesnt like me, i don't care. i drank some ... i fell asleep with kim. it was nice. we got up around 12 and kim went to her house and got her car and came back and got nichole and myself. we took nichole home then went to baskin robbins which i didnt get to do before prom because everyone was mean. so much for compromising. we then went to my house, and kim fell asleep. my mom got us subway. i ate mine then fell asleep with her. she got up and i was still sleeping and she went home. i went to sleep later that night. today was school and it was amusing i guess. i got to school in the middle of second period because i was tired, and i haven't been late in a while so i figured what the hell and my mom was nice enough to let me. didn't do much in school, it was gay, the end of the year is always dull. i made sweet dough bread in votech..it's wrapped up becuase i didn't get to serve it but it looks nice. the cicadas are coming, and we have to make BBQ and COOKIES out of them..interesting. I had ice cream after school.."real" ice cream..well yogurt..i can't do the vegan thing..theres too much i miss..but more power to keithe and becky..they rule. myself kim and gary then went to my grandma's house and talked to her for an hour or so. she's cool and so is my grandfather. came back to my house and went to a car dealership. i hate them. they try to sell me cars i don't want, and i don't know how to turn them down because i feel bad..so i just wait like a bitch until my mom comes out so i can tell her i don't like it. oh well. we left there and came back to my house. kim left </3> I don't like looking at old pictures of myself when I was young. I don't like seeing pictures with myself, my mom and dad in them. they've been seperated for 6 years now, but it's just stupid. i take too much for granted. i found a picture of myself opening up a Disney movie when i was 3 and i looked like the happiest kid in the world-i liked being young, i didn't know how to ask for things, and i didn't expect them. taking things for granted is no good.fuck it. 2 - hey vanity

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